How to get 10x fairer in a day *CLICKBAIT*

“Hey, you need to study harder, any way you are not fair enough to be married off easily.”

Once my friend pulled up a scarf on her head to protect herself from the sun saying she could get a tan. Other girls, who followed her immediately commented, “You are already black, how dark can you get?” Followed by a sadistic laugh. (This happened in third standard.)

I have never understood the obsession we Indians have with fair skin.
Being Indians, why do we want to look pale?

If you study the geographical placement of India, you’ll notice that it lies exactly on the equator. Which means, most of the land is affected by the heat of the sun. In simpler words, India is a tropical country. Naturally, due to sunlight and heat, our skin tends to be brown. Our eating habits also add to it.

True, North Indians do happen to be fair-skinned, but only because it is a colder region.
Our very own Yami Gautam, who plays the, ‘Oh, so beautiful and preachy woman’ in the Fair and Lovely Commercial also happens to be from Himachal Pradesh, so naturally, she is fair-skinned.

Hindustan Unilever, the company that owns Fair and Lovely, is a British-Dutch company. This is why the term, “Angrez chale gaye lekin gulaami yahi chhod gaye” is still relevant.
We have been enslaved to the culture so much that even after 72 years of freedom, we haven’t been able to leave behind at least the toxic part of it. I am not against accepting the western culture. But to the level of being ashamed of our own roots? What good has it done?

Even those who made us feel ashamed of our skin tone are into contours and bronzers to make their skin look a little less pale.

I have seen women all my life, applying fairness creams every single day, the only thing I did was keep a check of their changing skin tone. And guess what? Nothing happened. Absolutely, nothing.

There will be people saying that I am just putting up an act of being worried about others. I am fair-skinned, and it really shouldn’t bother me. Trust me, I have heard my relatives saying, “But you know what Bhagyashri? Dark-skinned people are always good at heart.” When I didn’t even say anything about their skin tone, doesn’t make sense.

I have also heard comments on my skin tone worse than the ones I mentioned above. I have been told all my life, and I quote, “If you don’t study hard, the only people who will consider your presence, will be those lecherous animals looking for some feast.” Believe it or not, that’s the last thing any sane human being would want.

If you aren’t satisfied with your skin colour, go on and change it. No one’s gonna stop you. What is going to happen after that? Will you feel more YOU? No. At most, you will feel embarrassed and uncomfortable because, after all those years, sudden changes are difficult to accept.

Even if it is something you have despised all your life.

HOPE

Back in 8th grade, I remember vividly, I went home. Removed my school uniform, stood in front of the mirror and started examining if my body looked any different than other popular girls.

A few days earlier we had a health checkup in school. We were weighed, and I turned out to be 48 kilograms, and I was okay with it until other girls walked in saying “Thank God I weigh only 35/36/40 kilograms, I am good. It’s the bones though, I don’t have fat.” It hit me. I have never been okay with my body since then.

I wanted to be noticed by the people around me. I wanted to be acknowledged at least for something.

I had accepted that I was dumb (because I couldn’t do maths), so the only other way people would notice me was, if I were good looking.

Sometime later I got stuck with the idea that I wasn’t good looking or maybe I didn’t have the right figure so no one notices me. What’s even funnier is that I always saw teachers paying attention to either the smartest girl in the class or when not discussing about studies, to the most good looking girl. I always saw boys chasing this one girl. Almost half of the people I knew, either had a major crush on her or wanted to be like her and around her. So I tried to fit in with that group, (which did more harm than good).

When nothing worked I started being extra nice to people, and let them use me, for completing their homework, journals, I used to be the postman in their relationship, all sorts of things. In the pursuit of being noticed, I always put myself in second place around the people I’d hang out with. The only thing all of this helped me with was losing self-confidence. I gained more weight. Of course. A teenage girl, who had just hit puberty, was unaware of her own self, what would she do? Try even harder. Doing stupid things, seeking validation from people around her.

My already high temper started rising even more.

It was 9th grade. I had started failing in Mathematics. With absolutely no hope of passing that year, I carried on with all the things I mentioned earlier. Passed 9th grade. I had started seeing a therapist back then. My parents thought I might harm myself. That lady asked me all sorts of questions. Why would I want to kill myself? Blah blah blah. She even hypnotized me. I had a feeling that I’m gonna be a better person at the end. I had also become really good friends with a girl who distracted me from all of that. Who made me realize that I am beautiful. She almost brought me to the point where I no longer needed validation from people around me.

But obviously good things don’t last long. We passed our 10th grade. She shifted to another city. I went to the therapist again hoping that he would convince my family to not force me, but unfortunately, I had to take up a stream that I had absolutely no confidence in.

Everything went back to how it was earlier. I started getting comments on how I act like a man. Stories about me throwing fits started circulating again (this time in a different circle). I started failing all the subjects. I started questioning my abilities, my looks, my sanity.

But the biggest blow was yet to come. Year ended and the results came out. I had failed 11th grade. Took the 12th exams externally. Passed by below-average marks. Failed the one and only entrance exam I had taken. Changed my stream. Felt I wasn’t doing justice to my capacity so opted for even worse. Left it in the middle. Again took the entrance exam. Failed miserably. By now. It has been 4 years. I haven’t been able to do anything good with myself.

I gained even more weight. Started getting roasted for being fat (publicly). Sitting idle at home and doing nothing only aggravated everything.

I have started feeling that no one respects me. Craving for that respect is dreadful by the way. I pick fights with everyone, for not being nice, for not serving food properly, for them existing. Anything people do, I see it as a sign of disrespecting me. Even someone breathing loudly agitates me. I keep comparing myself with the people that surround me. I keep belittling myself over everything. Crying every single day doesn’t help.

When I try to distract myself by surfing the internet. I always stumble upon the perfect descriptions of what happens when you have depression or anxiety.

In the last year, I have heard more lectures about how I am not an ideal kid, that every parent would want than I have had of all the other subjects until now. I have become the black sheep of my family.

I have lost so many friends in all those years, that I am only left with three people whom I call my friends. But, I can’t even bring myself to trust them enough to call in a crisis.

The only thing that keeps me going is hope. A hope that I will be able to do something good with my life in the future. A hope that I will be respected in the future. A hope that I will be genuinely happy.

Hope